Spam: Volume 1

I should be doing Pilates right now. Or if not Pilates, then I should be taking my first shower of the day (not to be confused with the shower I will take at the gym later, where I will wash and condition my hair.) But instead I am typing out messages to be launched out into cyberspace, like the gold records of Earth sounds on the Voyager ships. Sending the words out for public consumption without any idea who will encounter and consume them. Like the human race of the seventies, I am engaging in an act of faith, indulging myself in the belief that who I am and what I have to say is important enough to tell someone else and hope that they agree. It is a terribly self-absorbed and arrogant assumption, but such is the nature of life.

Spam mail is a similar act of faith, people sending out words in the hopes that they will be read and responded to, however the response that is wished for is money. I have been receiving very odd spam mail as of late. Mail which has succesfully navigated the various filters and made it into my inbox. Spam with odd subject titles like "Your Life" and "Your Girlfriend" and then turns out to be selling orgasm enhancers and penis enlargers (neither of which I need.) I must admit I am disappointed. I guess I just feel like they should be a little more clever with copy if they are going to lure me in with a subject line like "Your life." I mean, they could totally have me eating out of the palm of their hand if they said something like:

Your life is good. You have no complaints. You are the envy of everyone you know. But. You have a secret. We know you wanted more from life. We know that in spite of all your hard work, you feel unappreciated and unloved. We know you have received some hard knocks and sometimes wonder if you will ever recover from fate's evil blows. And we want to help. Product X can give you that extra boost to get a little higher, it can help you go that extra mile to get all that you deserve, it adds that little bit more you need to satisfy all your desires. Try Product X now and you won't be disappointed.

OK, maybe not eating out of their hands while opening up my wallet, but I would at least admire the effort.

A couple of years ago I received some very strange spam which was asking me to sign up for a dating service. I think. Here are the poems I arranged from them (or wrote, if you subscribe to the notion that using found text constitutes writing.)

*********************************************************
Get Paid to Give Opinions

You find pleasure wherever you look -- and maybe
In a few surprising places as well.
Clarity is a fleeting thing
You are in a very industrious and creative cycle that will bring you
Profits and satisfaction.
Your mind will be made up today.

Take care of your own personal stuff before you offer
Your hand to the people
Depending on you to do things for them.
Watch for the right opportunity.
Today is your day.
You will probably find someone
You are totally compatible with on all levels.
Your mind will be made up today.

A clever replica can fool most people -- it takes a trained eye to see
The fine details that may be lacking.
Something is probably going on behind your back.
You wonder why others make such elaborate plans
When life can be this easy.

Take steps to discard the old and embrace the new.
A bit of drama is kind of fun -- sometimes.
Today is your day.
You will probably find someone you are totally compatible with on all levels.
Go with your instincts.
Communication will return to normal soon enough.
Stay on top of your game.
Be careful and plan for the worst

*********************************************************
Meet Someone Real

Find Romance
Take it slow and you’ll have a better chance of winning approval.
Creativity is not just a process of invention
It can also be a mode of relaxation.
Today is your day.
You will probably find someone you are totally compatible with on all levels.
You find pleasure wherever you look -- and maybe in a few surprising places as well.

Who knew that romance could be so fun?
Buy flowers.
Write poetry.
Order dessert.
Watch the sun set.
Take long walks on the beach.
Think about the future.
You are more articulate now than ever before.
What you get now is what you wanted all along.

Something is probably going on behind your back.
Your energies are just mismatched these days.
Sounds great. But are you being realistic?
Bounce your ideas off another person.

You are more articulate now than ever before.
What you get now is what you wanted all along.
Quick thinking gets you out of a tough spot.
Prepare to fight hard for your position.

A clever replica can fool most people -- it takes a trained eye to see
Fine details that may be lacking.
Organize interesting activities to do with your best friends.