My Grand Unified Theory of Kyle Maclachlan

photo credit: Wikimedia
I like to think that Jeffrey Beaumont was so affected by his brush with Frank Booth, he became an FBI agent. Early in his career, while investigating alien activity, he was briefly possessed by an alien law enforcer named Alhague, an experience which would prove to be invaluable in later years. While the case surrounding the death of Laura Palmer did not initially seem to fall into his area of expertise, he soon learned that in addition to the fabulous pie and coffee, her small town had plenty of supernatural intrigue into which he would become embroiled. In a display of heroism and hubris, he entered the Black Lodge to save Annie, a woman for whom he held romantic feelings, and became possessed by the demon Bob. Bob in Dale's body then went to Vegas, where he was known as Zack Carey, entertainment director at the Stardust, a position which allowed him to rape and abuse many aspiring showgirls. As a result of his previous experiences with possession, Dale eventually was able to cast out Bob and regain control of his body. He returned to Twin Peaks to rescue Annie from the Black Lodge, but learned she had traveled back in time to the 1960s and was now (or then) working as a CIA agent. His next assignment was to investigate nefarious and occult activities in upper crust New York. While working undercover he fell in love with and married Charlotte York, but unfortunately, he was unable to reveal the reasons for his wariness related to having children or his true identity. His secrecy eventually drove a wedge between them and they divorced. As the years passed, he was drawn deeper and deeper into unravelling the bizarre mysteries surrounding the Bermuda Triangle, which he attempted to hide by professing an obsession with boats and the sea (going so far as requesting people refer to him as The Captain), as he knew people often overlook one's activities when they are suitably confused by one's eccentricities, a lesson he had learned two decades earlier from the Log Lady. Though his personal wealth grew and he had many friends and acquaintances in New York, his heart never entirely left the Pacific Northwest, so while he continued to conduct his investigations along the Eastern Seaboard, he became the mayor of Portland in 2012.

P.S. I know that Kyle Maclachlan is a damn fine actor and has made many more appearances in television and film. However, as this is MY grand unified theory of Kyle Maclachlan, I could only integrate performances which I have seen and/or remembered (I totally forgot about The Librarian: Quest for the Spear and I don't feel invested enough in that KM sighting to go and work it in, though I adored the whole Librarian franchise and WILL use it if I ever get around to thinking up a grand unified theory of Noah Wyle). I am sure that someone else could construct an entirely different grand unified theory of Kyle Maclachlan based upon his appearances in Dune, Desperate Housewives, and The Good Wife. If someone does to that, please, let me know as I imagine it would be awesome.


Anonymous said…
I'm happy that The Hidden made it into your theory, I think it's much neglected.

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