Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Scintillation and Luminosity

A new year. It hasn't started well.

Stuntmother mentioned picking a word for the year and then spending the year trying to live into the word one has chosen.

Right now, the words which describe the feelings inside me are all the bad WR ones: Wretched, Wrenched, Wrung.

I feel like I have been bled and the fluid coursing through my veins is the venom of the wronged, the acidic liquid by-product of pain and anger.

I am aflame, set alight by the inner fire that was set when the match was tossed in my direction. This is what burning a bridge feels like. Actually, I was the bridge that was burned, so while I am incandescent with hurt and rage, I'd be burning even if I could care less.

Some people might actually thrive on this feeling, but I have found, over the years, that while fire can be nurturing and cleansing, it can run amok and decimate everything which gets in its way. I'm an air sign, so you know I can just keep this thing alive forever if I have to, even as it drains me of energy and transforms me into a withered stunted shell of what I once was. Not to mention that I don't want to transform my soul into a cozy environment in which my inner demons may thrive. No, I may be grieving the death of a friendship, but I don't have to throw myself onto the funeral pyre.

So what words do I want to be mine for the year, being mindful of the conflagration of negative emotions which are currently afire inside my heart?

I have consulted the online thesaurus and think I have found a few synonyms for fire which I think I can live with. Scintillation and Luminosity

scin·til·la·tion

1. the act of scintillating; sparkling.
2. a spark or flash.

lu·mi·nos·i·ty

1. Luminance (the quality or condition of radiating or reflecting light
2. the quality of being intellectually brilliant, enlightened, inspired, etc.: The luminosity of his poetry is unequaled.

Scintillation. Luminosity. Those are my words for 2007. I will strive to sparkle, to flash, to radiate a light of my own and reflect the light around me, and to be intellectually brilliant, enlightened, inspired, etc. Fred would probably tease me and say that these are my words for living, that this is how he sees me (have I mentioned what a great husband Fred is lately? I probably don't write enough about Fred simply because it gets boring to constantly talk about how terrific he is. It's like calling the sky blue-but I digress). I must be mindful to keep the incandescence in the realm of the radiant, being mindful that the fire not flare out of control. I can live with these words and strive each day to live these words. Scintillation. Luminosity.

I suspect my chronic insomnia is fueled by my demons attempting to turn me into a more comfortable and congruous host. So I must go to bed and get some sleep. For the first time in days, I actually feel like I can sleep, the pain and anger appear to have been smothered, replaced with my words for the year.

What will I dream tonight?

Happy New Year!

4 Comments:

Blogger Sir Oolius said...

So, will you have a "scintillation counter" for how often you use that word here?

;-)

12:40 PM, January 04, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I understand what the loss of friendship does, how it feels, and the emotions it can fuel to a strength that threatens to consume you rather than just purge that damned anger and hurt.

I love your words, and wish you the ability to not just live them this year, but to revel in them.

1:10 PM, January 04, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Huh? Dare we ask?

12:29 AM, January 05, 2007  
Blogger Stuntmother said...

I am aflame with the bright beauty of your words. Although what you are clearly feeling is hard and burning, still, from you flow words of burnished, shining gold.

These are good words for you.

11:33 AM, January 05, 2007  

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