Friday, April 16, 2010

Linguistic Absences

There are moments when words fail me. Moments when whatever illusion I may have that I am intelligent or articulate is shown to be simply that, illusion, and all the goals I have for myself are as substantial as a mirage. And as likely to come to pass. I feel I have been in this state of inability, of panic, of fear for some time now. Years. This stagnation is like water, it flows into every crevice and drowns every last bit of motivation and confidence I may have sustained and I am left with the carcass wondering what to do with it. Can it be resurrected? If not, how do I dispose of this thing now that it is just a deadweight? And how do I deal with all the disappointment and grief I feel at the loss of something which was so very important?

I could almost accept the loss of performance from my life because I had words to fall back on, words had always been a source of nourishment to me even and had provided solace. It was alright if I didn't act or dance because there was this other, deeper, better way through which I could express my artistic vision. But now I am having to accept that I may even have to let go of words, that all the thoughts in my head will never be expressed beyond the boundaries of my skull. And I can't accept this, I tell myself it is just a phase, but the fear prevents me from breaking through, so I am stuck here, without words.



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